In search for BETTER P0RN

Since a lot of pornography is shit, I would like to make a few
suggestions to the porn producers of North America:

1. Enough with the female degradation already! That
   exploitative nonsense of calling the woman a whore and a bitch
   during sex is really offensive, as are those slapping,
   hair-pulling, and choking moves common to "raincoater"
   porno. Exploitative garbage such as Max Hardcore's shit movies
   merely give Bible thumping sexual puritans an excuse to make hasty
   generalizations about the entire porno industry.

   
   

2. There are three classes of porno: the raincoater sicko crap
   (see point #1 above), the mushy quasi-softcore porno which is meant
   for easily offended women (yawn), and hardcore but inoffensive
   porno. Decent porno isn't dull like the softcore stuff, it is
   watchable by men or women, it can be kinky or even raunchy
   but it doesn't engage in female degradation, the director knows how
   to use a camera, and the audio/video quality doesn't suck. For
   examples of decent porno, see the bigger-budget European porn,
   especially the films directed by Marc Dorcel.

   
   

3. Never spend more than 5 seconds at a time on a close-up of
   genitals during sex. We're trying to watch people having sex, not a
   damned anatomy lesson. There's a lot more to sex than genitals
   slapping against each other, but you wouldn't know that from a lot
   of the pornography out there.

   
   

4. Show us why the people are having sex! Silly fantasies
   about the naughty nurse or the female speeder who tries to convince
   a cop not to give her a ticket are cheesy, but they're still better
   than simply starting a sex scene with two naked people who are
   already going at it.

   
   

5. Get rid of all the goddamned ugly guys. In 80% of porno
   movies, the women are gorgeous but the men look like shit. This
   isn't a problem for guys who rent porno so they can jerk off in
   solitude, but it is a big problem for guys who want to watch
   with their wives or girlfriends. Ron Jeremy has his fans, but I'm
   willing to bet that none of them are women.

   
   

6. Please, please use decent music! Few things are more
   annoying in bad porno than the fucking 15 second music loop.

   
   

7. No more goddamned analingus! Not only is the very idea of
   tonguing somebody's asshole disgusting, but it is also medically
   unwise. There are a lot of bacteria in that part of your
   body, and porno has enough public relations problems without
   encouraging unhealthy behaviour. It's even worse when they switch
   roles; nobody wants to see a woman licking a man's hairy ass!

   
   

8. If you're trying to make a big-budget porno film, don't just
   make everything dark and gloomy! I know the "art house"
   set thinks of gloomy nihilism as a prerequisite for dramatic
   credibility, but if I wanted to see art house movies, I would watch
   art house movies (and after I watched enough art house movies, I'd
   probably slit my wrists so I wouldn't have to endure them any more).
   Sex is supposed to be fun, and movies about sex should also be fun.
   If you've got a big budget to work with, try to make a sex comedy or
   a raunchy romance, rather than a gloomy, dark movie about
   self-hating women and angry men.

   
   

9. Don't try to compete with Hollywood! People don't watch porno
   for the same reasons they watch regular movies, and even the most
   lavishly produced porno movie in history will never rise above the
   B-movie level. Even a light-hearted plot can kill a porno movie if
   it consumes too much of the film, so keep the plot to sex ratio low.
   That's why a lot of the better porn is of the "vignette"
   style, consisting of numerous short stories in which 1 minute of
   plot is followed by 20 minutes of sex. Just the way we'd like it to
   be in real life :)

   
   

10. Try to cut down on the mega-sluts. It's much sexier to see a
    nice girl who has to get cajoled and prodded and teased and begged
    into doing naughty things, as opposed to one of those "skank
    whore" types. Ask yourself what kind of girl you'd go after in
    real life. Would you really go after the skankiest, easiest slut in
    the whole place, or the sexy but demure girl?

So there you have it: my list of recommendations for improving
porno. If you agree, great! Support decent porno by renting or buying
it, because otherwise, the consumer base of porno will still be
skewed toward the sicko raincoater crowd. If you know somebody who's
in the porno business, even better! Try to talk them into improving
the product. And if you are inclined to judge me harshly for the
"immorality" of watching porno ... blow me. There is
nothing immoral about decent porno (don't even think of
quoting Bible passages to me), and I don't watch the raincoater sicko
shit.