Drumroll Please.......

Ben Coleman, Westcliff on Sea, UK, 29

So Benny, which (current) Liverpool player are you most like and why?
Jamie Carragher – I am reliable and loyal, not too bothered about being in the spotlight (my time will come) and fucking good at what I do.

It is said a person is judged by the company they keep. Tell us a bit about the people you associate with most.
My boss Sarah - has a bit of a princess complex, and likes 80’s music a bit too much but is a top laugh and can keep up with the drinking. (Is also the cause of many, many lost nights and hangovers!). Dan – current housemate, funny, funny guy. Has ability for magic (it’s up his sleeve!) and smoking way too much….barbeques we have had are the stuff of legend. Katie Lou – My hip sister, she know where it’s at (her husband is alright too.). Danny – guitar legend and part time drinker (another source of hangovers), supports West Ham but we don’t hold that against him. Special shout to Andy (longest serving friend) and Nick, don’t see them as much as I should but they know the score.

Where did you watch The Champions League Final?
Watched the final at home with Danny. At half time I was rocking back and forth saying “if we get a quick goal we are in with a shout” over and over….never expected the final result and it spawned a 24 hour session that started with champagne from Liverpool mugs and me spending way too much time on the phone to Liverpool (my cousin – not the team)

What is the most embarrassing thing that has happened to you?
I guess the most embarrassing thing (there are many) was probably being dumped at a
party in front of everyone. (Cheers Vicky, 10 years later – I still carry the scars)

If you could do anything you wanted, what would you do for the greater 'good' of Mancunians.?
I want to make this clear, the majority of Mancunians are cool, city loving rascals (sure, they would stab you for a tenner, but they are funny with it) saying that though, I do sometimes have fantasies about Old Trafford exploding during a Man U/Arsenal match. I guess I would let Malcolm Glazer take over the club and transform it into the “Salford Quays Red Sox” or something. (Erm, wait a minute…..)

If you were a girl, which liverpool player would you most want to sleep with?
A few years ago I would have said Jamie Redknapp (good looking boy – wife’s not too shabby either) but now I guess it would have to be John Arne Riise (got a weakness for redheads….) no wait, Luis Garcia, no Sami Hyypia (he’s like a god), or Alonso, maybe Morientes, not forgetting Carragher, or Gerrard, or even The Lord of Frodsham, erm, all of them? (Thank Christ Stephen Wright has left!!!) I may not be that fussy, even Kewell is quite attractive (shame he can’t play for anyone but Leeds)…..I think I have issues (or we have a really good looking squad?)

Have you ever experienced any injury(ies) during a sexual encounter?
Ah the stories I could tell…..the answer to this is a most resounding yes, and it could be a warning to all of you out there. A few years back I was pounced on by my girlfriend at the time. She wanted it, she wanted it now, we were off…there was a snapping sound (yes it was audible) and a sharp sensation I had not experienced before……then came the blood (you would be surprised how much blood there is…I don’t like to talk about it), needless to say the banjo string, or mandolin string (which ever you prefer) had snapped. Several weeks later I discovered, with great alarm I may add, that it had not snapped completely. Yes it happened again….so imagine the worst possible place you can get injured, imagine the pain (you there yet?) now imagine it happening TWICE!

Only me then. Pray it does not happen to you.

This is why fellas, even if for no other reason, you should perform cunnilingus, for at least an hour…..

What is the worst/best experience you have ever had whilst under the influence? (drink or drugs.)
A few years back a friend and I were visiting his brother at Hatfield University. One evening, after a session in the pub we were back at the flat partaking in record amounts of Jack Daniels and HUGE (you have no idea) spliffs. Now, I don’t know about you, but I have found that mixing alcohol and weed is not always the smartest idea.

Yep, you guessed it.

Massive whitey ( which involved me throwing up for what seemed like hours over the neighbours roses – sorry if it was you) anyway, Ben (yep two of us with the same name. Pay attention now) came out to see if I was ok. Having deposited about 20 years worth of stomach contents on the flowers (again, I am really, really sorry – you seemed to be into gardening and I can only imagine the horror that greeted you the following day) I decided I was hungry. Being about 1 in the morning, we decided it would be a great idea to wander around an unfamiliar town and find a source of sustenance. At this point I feel I should describe Ben. At this time he was about 6 foot 5, stick thin with really long hair, he was very much like Neil from the young ones and was learning to juggle. (It is also important to note that as poor students we only had £5 between us.)

So we are wandering aimlessly about town when I notice a young gentleman swinging around my neck. Needless to say, I was quite surprised by this development and endeavoured to find out what he wanted. Suddenly we were surrounded by “thousands” of chav bastards (well, chavs were not around in those days so whatever they were called before they were known as chavs) who were interested in separating Ben and I from our cash. They went Ben’s pockets finding three tennis balls.

This confused them so much they left him alone and concentrated all their evil little attention on me. Nice. Upon finding about 5p on me the ring leader screaming, and I quote: “I thought you said you didn’t have any fucking money!” proceeded to attempt to kick me in the nuts. I say attempt because at the time I was quite into martial arts, and even through my non- functioning brain patterns I was able to catch his foot and dump him unceremoniously on the floor. They left then with my 5p – 5p?!. It was at this point that Ben found the fiver in his pocket and we wandered off to a kebab van.

Due to the amount of things in our system we giggled uncontrollably for about 3 hours. Not more so when leaving with our kebabs we noticed our “would be muggers” in the car park and waved our newly purchased kebabs at them. Not sure if it was the best or the worst incident while under the influence, but it was definitely the best mugging I’ve been involved in.

What is the furthest you have ever inadvertently travelled whilst under the influence?
I have woken up in Cambridge a couple of times that was probably the furthest I have been (I was living in Waltham Abbey at the time). (Nights out while working in London are not the best idea – that is why I now live near the end of the line. No more travelling for me!) The weirdest was I woke up on a bench outside Harlow leisure centre with a bag full of broken glass and no idea how I got there. Harlow leisure centre is quite a way from the station, and not only did I get off at the wrong station I must have seen fit to go wandering. Still no idea what occurred that night though.

Ever partaken in a sexual act outside. Were there witnesses?
Ah, happy memories….Whilst working in “The Swan” public house in Wilmslow I was approached by a lovely young lady who informed me that her friend thought I was nice (2 jobs I highly recommend for meeting the opposite sex. Barman and DJ. Fantastic stuff) and would like to see me after my shift finished. Well being a gentlemanly type I accepted her generous offer. To cut a long story short we availed ourselves of a bench behind the pub (in a square on the main road – nothing if not classy) well, it was late and there was very little traffic about. Anyway, I later discovered that the park was under surveillance by the local constabulary and we were filmed that night from the bank across the street. Nice to know that we were not arrested. I did ask for a copy of the tape but the police declined…spoilsports.

What is your favourite album for entertaining? (you know what I mean)
Portishead “Dummy” used to be the one, though it has been a long time since I have “entertained” anyone so I don’t know at the minute, possibly some sort of compilation of my own devising.